I just had an epiphany! A new relationship, that had begun beautifully, suddenly ended and I have cried continuously for five days. I’m on the fifth day and I have been lamenting. I have given myself a Big Fat Gypsy Wedding/My Super Sweet Sixteen/Rich Kids of Beverly Hills no expense spared Pity Party with all the trimmings.
Why meee? Its not faaaair. I’m soooo unlucky. My wooomb!!!! Why does everyone else get a partner and children and I just get heartbreak? I THIRIVE best in a relationship, I have SO MUCH TO GIVE. I feel like closing up shop and becoming a bitter resentful spinster. It hurts so much. There is no one else out there. I’m oooold. He felt like The One and he didn’t want meeee.
I went to TOWN with the lamenting! We had lemon lamenting polenta cake with lashings of poor me pouring cream. We drank I-am-on-my-period-because-I-am-not-bloody-pregnant bloody marys. And instead of dancing we wept.
And then I Skyped one of my bestest most wonderful friends in the world and we laughed and were silly and funny and real and afterwards I felt bouncy and spritely and alive. I was in the middle of washing up and I realised - it’s not him, it’s me that I miss. It’s not just what he brought into my life, it’s who I am when I have someone to bounce off. I miss ME.
I love having someone to be funny for, someone to riff with. I miss being affectionate and sensual and caring and imaginative and generous and planning wonderful adventures. Having a partner means you always have someone to share life with. I love finding the fun, beauty and tenderness in every day. I want to have children so I can take care of them and laugh with them and guide them and enjoy learning who they are whilst we all embark on a journey of exploration and discovery.
I love to give love and share humour and kindness and I’m excited to create a family of my own. But I do already have a family that I can connect with and that makes me incredibly lucky. I’m currently staying with my mum and step dad and I have been a self absorbed misery guts these past few days, missing out on them because I ate too much poor me pouring cream.
I was in danger of becoming a bit bitter, but now I feel a bit better as I realise that I will be there wherever I go, with whoever I meet. Things may have ended with this guy, but part of what I loved about being with him was getting to share my favourite parts of me. And when I meet someone new, fifty percent of the connection, fun and magic will come from what I have to offer.
Meanwhile, I can find other ways to let those parts of me shine. I can be my best and silliest self for my friends who always appreciate me. I can laugh and plan adventures with them. I can dress up in fancy clothes, do my hair, nails and make up just for me and enjoy feeling good in my skin.
And when I meet the right person to share the sensual parts of myself with, it will be delicious. But right now, I can enjoy the fact that I do not have to make compromises. I am not with someone who doesn’t want what I want. I am not contending with a grumpy, troubled or emotionally problematic partner. I am not campaigning to be valued. I am not fighting against anything. And there is grace, freedom and peace to be found in that.
And if swathes of loneliness settle on my shoulders like a shroud, I can shake that fucker off; move, dance, call a friend, be caring and loving for someone in need. I can be fabulous and kind and wise and funny and sexy with or without a partner.
It’s not just you, it's me I missed. But honey I’m home.